By Quinn Mercer, BDSM Educator and Consent Workshop Facilitator

Submission in mainstream BDSM writing is almost always coded feminine. The submissive is "she." The kneeling image is "girl." The pet names are girlish. The service tropes borrow from the housewife script. Even progressive kink writing sometimes slips: gender-neutral in the introduction, feminine-defaulting by chapter three.

This is a problem for non-binary submissives, whose experience of submission is not feminine, is not masculine, and is not "in between" — it's its own thing. It's a problem for NB Doms too, who often have to build authority without inheriting the gendered scripts (Sir, Mistress, Daddy, Mommy) that give binary Doms their vocabulary.

This guide is for both. It covers NB folks who submit without wanting to be gendered as feminine (the largest single group underserved by mainstream writing), the pronoun-flexing question in scene ("she/her in scene, they/them out of scene" — some love it, some hate it, both are valid), gender-neutral honorifics that actually work (Mx, liege, keeper, sovereign, and less obvious ones), Daddy/Mommy alternatives that carry the archetype without the gender, and how NB Doms hold real authority without falling back on gendered scripts. It ends with an honorifics/protocols customization worksheet you can actually take to a partner and fill out together.

Contents

  1. The feminine default and why it fails NB submissives
  2. The pronoun-flexing question in scene
  3. Gender-neutral honorifics that actually work
  4. Daddy/Mommy archetype alternatives
  5. NB Doms — authority without gender scripts
  6. Un-gendering the protocol vocabulary
  7. The honorifics and protocols customization worksheet
  8. Failure modes and recovery
  9. If you're a partner to an NB sub or Dom
  10. What to do this week
  11. FAQ

The Feminine Default and Why It Fails NB Submissives

Submission is not inherently feminine. It becomes coded feminine because the mainstream kink imagination is shaped by centuries of gendered power scripts (patriarchy at the top, women subordinate, submission as feminine role) and by porn conventions that map onto those scripts. When an NB person walks into that default, the frame doesn't fit — but the frame is so widespread that they often adapt to it anyway, taking on feminine pet names and pronouns that don't reflect their actual identity because the alternatives aren't visible.

What the feminine default looks like

None of these are inherently wrong. What's wrong is treating them as default. For an NB submissive who doesn't want to be gendered as feminine, being called "good girl" is not affirming submission — it's a mild misgendering, and it accumulates. The scene ends and instead of coming out of subspace grounded, they come out slightly dysregulated because the affirmation they received was in the wrong register.

What NB submission actually looks like

Very varied. Some patterns:

The Pronoun-Flexing Question in Scene

A recurring question in NB kink: "In scene, I'm okay with she/her (or he/him) even though my daily pronouns are they/them. Is that a betrayal of my identity?" Or the reverse: "I use they/them daily, and I want they/them in scene too, but my Dom keeps slipping into she."

Both configurations are valid. Neither is a betrayal. Neither is universal. Here's the map.

People who like pronoun-flexing in scene

Common patterns:

  • Playing with a role. Some NB folks find pronoun-flexing part of the fantasy — they're taking on a role that has a gender, the way an actor takes on a role. When the scene ends, so does the pronoun.
  • Compartmentalizing. The scene is a specific container. Inside it, one set of pronouns; outside it, another. The compartmentalization is protective — it keeps daily identity separate from scene identity.
  • Historical/aesthetic play. Some scenes are set in specific historical or literary configurations where gendered pronouns fit the aesthetic (Victorian mistress-and-maid, for example). The pronoun is part of the costume.
  • Explicit gender play. The scene is about the gender shift. The pronoun is the point of the play, not incidental.

People who hate pronoun-flexing in scene

Common reasons:

  • Consistency of identity. They/them daily; they/them in scene. The pronoun is not a costume; it's the identity.
  • Prior misgendering trauma. Being gendered as feminine or masculine has been damaging in their history, and doing it consensually in scene doesn't feel play-safe — it feels like a re-enactment of harm.
  • Consistency of subspace. The scene is when identity is most fragile; consistent pronouns are protective, not restrictive.
  • Simplicity for the partner. Some NB folks find that flexing pronouns creates practical confusion for their partner and they'd rather have one set of rules.

How to have the pronoun conversation

Pre-scene, not mid-scene. Options to offer:

  1. "Same pronouns in scene as out of scene."
  2. "Different pronouns in scene, negotiated per scene."
  3. "No pronouns at all in scene — name only, or nicknames only."
  4. "Pronouns floating — Dom picks based on their read of the moment, sub trusts the read."

Option 4 is intense and requires deep trust. Options 1, 2, and 3 cover the great majority of NB submissive preferences. Choose the one that fits; revisit if things shift.

Gender-Neutral Honorifics That Actually Work

The default honorifics — Sir, Ma'am, Master, Mistress, Daddy, Mommy — are all gendered. NB folks have several options.

Gender-neutral honorific options:

Adaptations of existing honorifics:

  • Mx (pronounced "mix") — the neutral counterpart to Mr/Ms/Mrs. Works well in written protocol but sounds odd for some in speech.
  • Sir (used gender-neutrally by some — Sir has some historical use as respect-form for any gender in some contexts, though it reads masculine to most).
  • Master (used gender-neutrally by some, though it still reads masculine to most).
  • Boss — functionally neutral, works in scene, sounds more casual than Sir.

Neutral honorifics with different resonances:

  • Liege — from feudal vocabulary, gender-neutral, works well for hierarchical dynamics with a formal aesthetic.
  • Sovereign — similar register, more formal. Works for dynamics with a serious ceremonial frame.
  • Keeper — implies custody/care; works well for TPE or protective dynamics.
  • Guide — implies wisdom/direction; works for teacher-shaped D/s.
  • Anchor — implies stability/grounding; works for dynamics centered on protective calm.
  • Captain — from military/nautical vocabulary; feels authoritative without being explicitly gendered.
  • Chief — informal, authoritative.
  • Warden — for dynamics with a custodial or disciplinary edge.

Custom or invented:

  • Many NB dynamics invent their own honorific — a word that means something specific to the pair, that no outside reader would immediately parse. This can be personal (a name variant, a shared word) or archetypal (a role-name from a book or myth the pair loves).

Rules for choosing an honorific

Daddy/Mommy Archetype Alternatives

Daddy/Mommy is one of the most powerful archetypes in D/s — nurturing authority, mentor, protector, disciplinarian. But it's gendered. For NB Doms who want the archetype without the gender, and for NB subs who want that flavor of care from an NB Dom, alternatives exist.

Common NB alternatives to Daddy/Mommy:

  • Parent — literal, sometimes too clinical for scene use, but some pairs like the plain honesty.
  • Guardian — carries protective authority, works well.
  • Elder — implies wisdom and hierarchy without gender.
  • Mentor — for teaching-oriented dynamics.
  • Keeper — again, works for the protective archetype.
  • Nib / Nibi / Zaza — some NB parents use these as parenting terms; some NB kinksters extend them to Daddy/Mommy scene equivalents.
  • Baba — used in some cultures as a gender-neutral parental term; some NB folks adopt it as an honorific.
  • Custom hybrids — "Daddi" spelled with an i (echoing "boi"), "Mommy" with a different pronunciation intent, or fully invented words.

The pet name question

The other side is what the Dom calls the sub. "Good girl" and "good boy" are the standard, both gendered. Alternatives:

NB Doms — Authority Without Gender Scripts

NB Doms face a specific challenge: the vocabulary and posture of Dominance in mainstream BDSM writing is heavily gendered. The stern-Sir energy, the imperious-Mistress energy — both are strongly gender-coded. An NB Dom has to build authority differently.

What works

Sources of Dom authority that don't require gender coding:

  • Competence. A Dom who is visibly good at the technical elements of a scene — safe rope, calibrated impact, precise negotiation — commands authority through skill, not through gendered posture.
  • Presence. Steady voice, stable eye contact, unhurried pace, spatial control of the room. These are non-gendered elements of authoritative presence.
  • Ritual and protocol. Formal protocols do heavy lifting. A Dom who says "kneel" and expects the response is not doing gendered Dominance; they're doing ritualized power.
  • Named authority. An honorific claimed and used consistently — Mx, Keeper, Sovereign — signals authority regardless of gender.
  • The sub's active participation. Dominance is not something imposed on the sub; it's something built with them. An NB Dom's authority is confirmed by the sub's chosen submission, not extracted through gendered force.

What doesn't work

Un-Gendering the Protocol Vocabulary

D/s protocols often include specific language, postures, gestures, and rituals. Many of these are gendered by default. Here's a checklist for un-gendering a protocol you're building or adapting.

Protocol elements to check for gender defaults:

  1. Address forms. Sir, Ma'am, Master, Mistress → Mx or chosen alternative.
  2. Pet names. Girl, boy, princess, prince → chosen neutral alternative.
  3. Praise phrases. "Good girl / good boy" → "good one," "good work," or custom.
  4. Punishment framings. "Naughty girl / bad boy" language → non-gendered alternatives ("out of line," "disobedient," or the specific violation named).
  5. Service scripts. Housewife-derived or servant-derived scripts often carry gendered assumptions. Rewrite the specific tasks and framings.
  6. Uniform / dress code. If the protocol requires specific dress, check whether the dress code implicitly gender-codes. A "collar and skirt" protocol codes feminine; a "collar and neutral clothing" or "collar and any clothing" doesn't.
  7. Body-position vocabulary. Some kneeling positions (e.g., certain formal Nadu-derived positions) are gendered by tradition. Choose or adapt positions that don't carry that coding, or explicitly re-frame the traditional ones.
  8. Ceremony language. Collaring ceremonies often use gendered vows and formulas. Rewrite them.
  9. Written contracts. Any contract templates you're using — check the pronouns and honorifics throughout, edit systematically.

The Honorifics and Protocols Customization Worksheet

Take this to a partner and fill it out together. It's not exhaustive — customize as needed.

Section 1: Identity in and out of scene

  • Sub's out-of-scene pronouns: __________
  • Sub's in-scene pronouns: __________ (same as out-of-scene / different / none / floating)
  • Dom's out-of-scene pronouns: __________
  • Dom's in-scene pronouns: __________

Section 2: Honorifics

  • Sub addresses Dom as: __________
  • Dom addresses sub as (praise): __________
  • Dom addresses sub as (correction/punishment): __________
  • Dom addresses sub as (endearment): __________
  • Scene name for sub, if any: __________
  • Scene name for Dom, if any: __________

Section 3: Language to avoid

  • Gendered words to avoid entirely (for sub): __________
  • Gendered words to avoid entirely (for Dom): __________
  • Pet names that don't work (for sub): __________
  • Pet names that don't work (for Dom): __________

Section 4: Dress and body

  • Dress code, if any (for sub): __________
  • Dress code, if any (for Dom): __________
  • Body parts / language: __________ (see Trans-Inclusive Kink for the body-language layer if relevant)

Section 5: Protocol elements

  • Standard greeting on arrival: __________
  • Standard exit / dismissal: __________
  • Formal kneeling position, if any: __________
  • Written contract elements to update (list): __________

Section 6: Aftercare

  • Language during aftercare (specific praise, or neutral, or none): __________
  • Physical contact in aftercare (types allowed and not): __________
  • Duration of aftercare: __________

Section 7: Review cadence

  • How often will we re-check this worksheet? __________
  • Trigger to re-check earlier (something's not working, transition, life change): __________

Submission is not feminine by nature. Dominance is not masculine by nature. The gendered defaults are cultural inheritance, not laws of the practice. NB submissives who submit without wanting to be feminized, and NB Doms who hold authority without gender scripts, are not doing kink wrong — they're doing kink honest. The vocabulary is younger and thinner, but it's growing, and every dynamic that customizes its own protocols contributes to that vocabulary for the ones who come after.

Failure Modes and Recovery

NB dynamics have some specific failure modes that binary dynamics don't. Naming them helps you spot them early.

Failure: The Dom keeps slipping into gendered language.

Recovery: Named check-in outside scene. "I've noticed 'she' three times this week. What's happening?" Not accusatory — investigative. Sometimes it's habit; sometimes the Dom has an unspoken preference for a specific gendered frame they haven't disclosed. Either way, surface it and re-negotiate.

Failure: The honorific won't stick despite trying.

Recovery: The honorific is probably wrong for the dynamic. "Sovereign" sounds cool but doesn't come out of your mouth naturally. Try something else. The right honorific feels natural within a few sessions; if it still feels performative after a month, change it.

Failure: The sub asked for pronoun-flexing and it's causing dysphoria.

Recovery: Pronoun-flexing preferences change. What worked six months ago may not work now — HRT shifts, community involvement, identity settlement all move the goalposts. Rescind the flex, revert to consistent pronouns, revisit later if the sub wants to.

Failure: The NB Dom keeps under-claiming authority.

Recovery: Sub-side reflection. Are you (the sub) making room for the Dom's authority, or are you unconsciously requiring gendered posture before you can submit? The gap sometimes lives on the sub's side. If you're not sub-dropping into the frame because it doesn't "look right," that's your work, not the Dom's.

Failure: Community reads the dynamic as "F/F" or "M/f" and won't see the NB configuration.

Recovery: Community education is not usually your job, but if the misreading is coming from a specific space you attend regularly, one clear conversation with the organizers is worth having. "We're an NB dynamic; please don't slot us into gendered categories" — that's enough. If they can't accommodate, find a different community.

If You're a Partner to an NB Sub or Dom

Some things to internalize if you're playing with an NB partner and you're not yourself NB.

What to Do This Week

  1. If you're NB and in a dynamic: take the customization worksheet to your partner. Even if your dynamic is already working. Filling it out will surface things.
  2. If you're a partner to an NB person: ask "Are the words I'm using still the right ones?" This is a check-in question you can ask periodically without being intrusive.
  3. If you're solo: draft your own honorific-and-protocol preferences even without a partner. Knowing what you want makes it easier to negotiate when a partner shows up.

FAQ

What if my Dom keeps using "she" and I use they/them?

Have the conversation directly. "In scene, I need you to use they/them consistently — she/her is not working for me even in role." If they can't or won't accommodate, that's real information about the dynamic. See What to Do When Your Safeword Gets Ignored — the same protocol applies to consistent misgendering after negotiation.

Can NB folks be switches?

Of course. NB switching often ranges more freely because there's less gendered scaffolding forcing the role. Some NB switches move between Dom and sub more fluidly than binary switches; some don't. See Dominant, Submissive, or Switch?.

Is it okay if my kink identity is more gendered than my daily identity?

Yes. Kink is one context. If your daily identity is NB and your kink identity involves specific gendered play (femme sub scenes, masc Dom scenes), that's a compartmentalization many NB kinksters find works well. See the pronoun-flexing section above.

What if the honorific I chose doesn't stick?

Change it. Nothing about protocol is permanent. Some dynamics go through 2-3 honorifics before landing on the one that works.

Are there specifically NB-centering play parties?

Growing. QTPOC-centering events often center NB folks well. Trans-and-NB-only spaces exist in many cities now. See Queer Kink Community Spaces.

What about protocols from historical or specific-culture sources — can I use them?

Yes, with care. Formal Old Guard leather protocols are gendered but adaptable. Historical protocols from specific cultures may or may not translate — do your own reading. When in doubt, invent your own rather than adopt something with unclear cultural provenance.

How do I explain my honorific to a Dom-of-mine's other partners?

Simple: "I call them Mx" or "I call them Keeper — that's our honorific." No further explanation is required. Other people in your Dom's constellation may address them differently; that's fine.

Related reading: