Yes/No/Maybe Lists: The Ultimate Kink Compatibility Tool

By Quinn Mercer, BDSM Educator and Consent Workshop Facilitator

A yes/no/maybe list is the single most useful piece of paper in kink. It's a checklist of activities where you mark, for each one, whether it's a yes (want to do), a no (won't do), or a maybe (interested but not sure, or interested under specific conditions). Fill it out yourself. Compare with your partner's. What's on both people's yes list is your play menu. What's on either person's no is off-limits. What's on the maybes is where the interesting conversations happen.

That's the whole tool. And yet the majority of people who've been in kink for years have either never filled one out, filled one out once and never updated it, or filled one out in a way that produced answers that were performative rather than honest. This post walks you through building one that actually works — with an 80-item starter checklist you can use tonight, the comparison protocol for going through them with a partner, and the mistakes that quietly undermine the whole exercise.

What a Yes/No/Maybe List Actually Is

The concept is simple. You take a list of activities that people do in kink — bondage, impact, sensory play, roleplay, service, humiliation, and so on — and you go through each one and mark:

• Yes — I want to do this. Available for play, no further consent needed beyond scene-level negotiation.
• No — I will not do this. Off the menu.
• Maybe — I might, but conditions apply. Interested to explore. Need more information. Curious but nervous.

The more sophisticated versions expand the middle category — instead of a single "maybe," some lists use a 0–5 scale ("no interest" through "top of my wishlist") or split maybes into distinct types (maybe-curious, maybe-conditional, maybe-once).

The list can be as short as 20 items or as long as 300. What matters isn't the length. What matters is that you actually sit with each item long enough to know your real answer.

Why the Tool Works

Everyone who's used a yes/no/maybe list well says the same thing: it made them think about specific activities they'd never considered as discrete choices before. That's the whole trick. Without the list, kink lives in your mind as a vague cloud — "I like bondage" — and vague clouds are terrible for negotiation. The list forces resolution. Not "bondage" but wrists cuffed to headboard, full-body rope harness, suspension, chastity device, collar and leash. Each becomes its own yes/no/maybe. Suddenly you know what you want and what you don't in ways you didn't know before you looked.

Four specific things a yes/no/maybe list does that a general conversation doesn't:

1. It surfaces interests you didn't know you had. Reading through an unfamiliar activity and having a strong reaction — either "oh yes" or "absolutely not" — teaches you something about yourself the conversation about "what are you into" would never have surfaced. Many kinky people trace their strongest interests to items they encountered on a checklist.
2. It removes the pressure of naming things face-to-face. There are things people can put on paper that they would never say out loud, even to a trusted partner. The list is a low-stakes format for surfacing high-stakes information.
3. It creates a shared vocabulary. If you and your partner have both marked "electrostim: maybe," you're both using the same term. Compare that to two people saying "I'm interested in electricity stuff" and each imagining something completely different.
4. It's version-controllable. Your yeses and nos will change over time. Having a written baseline lets you see the change and talk about it explicitly rather than drifting.

The yes/no/maybe list is a translation layer between the vague thing you know about yourself and the specific thing you can negotiate with a partner. Skipping it is like trying to translate a language you don't speak yet.

If you haven't already, our framework for discovering your kinks walks through the pre-checklist work of figuring out roughly where your interests live. Come back here once you have that.

How to Fill One Out Honestly (The Pre-Work)

Filling out a yes/no/maybe list badly is trivial. Filling one out honestly takes a specific setup. Here's the protocol:

Do it alone, first

The first pass is solo. You should not be filling this out in the same room as your partner, and you should not be filling it out with the intention of showing it to them later that day. Solo means solo — in a private space, with time, with no observation. Otherwise you'll subtly answer for the audience.

Do it sober and clothed

Same rules as scene negotiation. Any state where you're aroused or intoxicated skews your answers toward more permissive than your default. Any state where you're anxious or depleted skews them toward more restrictive. Aim for a neutral evening, ideally after you've eaten, with something to drink that's not alcohol.

Do it in one sitting if you can

Splitting the list over multiple sittings sounds good but tends to fragment your judgment. The mood you're in when you answer questions 1–20 will be different from the mood at 60–80. Try to do a full 80-item pass in one sitting of 45–60 minutes. If the list is longer, break it by category and finish each category in one go.

Don't overthink individual items

First-instinct answers are usually the most useful. If you're staring at an item for more than 30 seconds trying to decide, mark it "maybe" and move on. The maybes are where the real conversation lives anyway.

Give yourself permission to change your mind

The list is a snapshot of you today. Nothing on it is a commitment. You are not signing up for anything by putting an item in your yes column. You are just saying "if the right partner, right situation, and right negotiation came together, I would want this." That's a low-stakes claim. Let it be low-stakes.

The 80-Item Starter Checklist

Below is the checklist I use in workshops. It's organized by category. Copy it into a document, add columns for "Y/N/M," "As Dom / As Sub / Either," and "Notes," then fill it out.

Bondage & Restraint (12 items)

1. Handcuffs / metal cuffs
2. Rope bondage — wrists and ankles only
3. Rope bondage — full-body harness
4. Shibari / decorative rope
5. Rope suspension (partial or full)
6. Bondage tape / self-adhering wraps
7. Straitjacket
8. Spreader bar
9. Collar (during scenes)
10. Collar (24/7)
11. Leash
12. Cages (metal, mesh, or fabric)

Impact Play (10 items)

13. Hand spanking
14. Paddle
15. Flogger (light)
16. Flogger (heavy / thuddy)
17. Cane
18. Crop
19. Whip (single-tail)
20. Slapping (face)
21. Slapping (body — thighs, breasts)
22. Punching

Sensation Play (10 items)

23. Temperature — ice
24. Temperature — hot wax
25. Wartenberg wheel / pinwheel
26. Nipple clamps (light)
27. Nipple clamps (heavy or with weights)
28. Clothespins / zippers
29. Feather / soft brush teasing
30. Scratching / clawing
31. Biting
32. Hair pulling

Sensory Deprivation (5 items)

33. Blindfold
34. Hood (fabric)
35. Hood (latex or leather)
36. Gag (ball, bit, or fabric)
37. Ear protection / earplugs during scene

Electrostim (3 items)

38. TENS unit / e-stim pads
39. Violet wand
40. Insertable e-stim (below waist)

Power Dynamics & Protocol (10 items)

41. D/s dynamic — casual (scene-only)
42. D/s dynamic — ongoing
43. 24/7 total power exchange
44. Formal address (Sir / Ma'am / Master / etc.)
45. Kneeling on command
46. Position training
47. Service tasks (chores as protocol)
48. Body ownership language ("your body")
49. Punishment scenes (functional discipline)
50. Rewards / good-girl-good-boy dynamic

Humiliation / Degradation (8 items)

51. Verbal degradation — appearance
52. Verbal degradation — intelligence
53. Verbal degradation — sexual
54. Praise / adoration (opposite of humiliation)
55. Objectification / being treated as furniture
56. Public humiliation (mild — being made to blush)
57. Public humiliation (heavy)
58. Being spoken about in third person during a scene

Sexual Contact (8 items)

59. Manual stimulation
60. Oral (giving)
61. Oral (receiving)
62. Vaginal penetration
63. Anal penetration
64. Toy use
65. Orgasm control / edging
66. Orgasm denial (short-term)

Roleplay & Fantasy (8 items)

67. Age-play (adult-child dynamic, all adult participants)
68. Pet-play (puppy, kitten, pony)
69. Medical roleplay
70. Interrogation / captor
71. Teacher / student
72. Boss / employee
73. Rescue / kidnap fantasy (fully negotiated)
74. Public/exhibition (real or simulated)

Body Fluids & Extreme Play (6 items)

75. Wax play
76. Watersports
77. Blood play (needles, cutting)
78. Breath play — hand over mouth
79. Breath play — throat / choking
80. Fire play

Eighty items, ten categories. You can extend it into hundreds if you like — many communities have exhaustive versions that go to 200+ activities. Start with these and add as you learn what you want to know more about.

The Comparison Protocol With a Partner

Once you both have completed lists, comparing them is where the magic happens. Here's the protocol that produces the best conversations:

Step 1: Trade completed lists (in advance)

Send each other your filled-out lists 24–48 hours before you sit down to talk. This gives both of you time to read, react privately, and prepare thoughts. It also means neither of you is discovering surprising things in real-time in front of the other person — that tends to produce more careful, less honest responses.

Step 2: Sit down together in a neutral setting

Not the bedroom. Not while cooking. A dedicated conversation, in a space that isn't going to be used for a scene tonight, at a time when neither of you is exhausted. This is important work and deserves the setup.

Step 3: Start with the overlap

Look at your two yes columns and identify every activity that's a yes on both. That's your immediate play menu. Talk about a few of them — which sound most exciting, which you're most eager to try first. Starting with the overlap builds momentum and reminds both of you that there's a lot of yes here.

Step 4: Handle the yes-no mismatches

For every activity where one person is yes and the other is no: the no wins. Full stop. No negotiation. The person with the yes acknowledges the no and moves on. Trying to convince a partner to move off a no is one of the most common toxic patterns in kink and it starts here.

What you can do is ask whether the no is a "no forever" or a "not right now." Some nos are absolute — they're actually hard limits. Some are context-dependent — "not until we have more experience together" or "not until I've dealt with something in therapy." That distinction is worth knowing, but only ask about it once, and only accept the answer given.

Step 5: Explore the maybe-maybe overlap

Where both of you marked "maybe" on the same activity: this is the most productive zone in the entire list. Both of you are curious. Neither is committed. This is where the interesting negotiation happens. Talk about what would move it from maybe to yes. Talk about what conditions or context would need to exist. Talk about what's holding each of you back.

Sometimes maybe-maybes become yes-yeses through the conversation. Sometimes they become no-nos. Either outcome is a win — you now know something you didn't.

Step 6: Handle maybe-yes and maybe-no

Where one of you is maybe and the other is yes: the maybe drives the pace. The yes person can share what excites them about the activity, but no pressure. The maybe person decides when and whether to try, if ever.

Where one of you is maybe and the other is no: default to no for the foreseeable future. The maybe person can consider whether their interest is strong enough to explore solo, with a fantasy, or with a different partner (in ethically non-monogamous relationships). Nothing on the list is worth pressuring a partner over.

Step 7: Write up the shared play menu

At the end of the comparison, you should have three lists:

• Green list — Activities both yes. Available for scene planning.
• Yellow list — Activities where at least one person is maybe. Need further conversation before including in a scene.
• Red list — Activities where at least one person is no. Off-limits.

Save this document. Update it when your lists change. Refer to it before every scene. Take this document into scene negotiation and it does most of the work for you.

How to Read the Results

What the pattern of your comparison tells you matters more than any single item.

Lots of yes-yes overlap

You're compatible. There's plenty to work with. The task now is prioritizing — which of the yes-yes items do you want to try first, which do you want to save for a milestone, which are you never actually going to get around to. Compatibility isn't scarcity.

Modest overlap but curious in similar directions

The maybe-maybe zone is where you build. Compatible partners who don't have massive overlap often have adjacent interests — the yes/no/maybe conversation is what turns adjacent interests into shared ones over time. This is a good starting position, not a warning sign.

Almost no overlap

Honest question worth asking: what shared kink foundation are we building on? Sometimes very-different-list couples find that the small overlap is enough because it's high-value. Sometimes they realize they've been trying to make a kink-compatible relationship out of two people whose interests don't actually meet. Either answer is useful.

One person's list is much fuller than the other's

Usually this means the shorter-list person hasn't done the discovery work yet. See our post on discovering your kinks and give them time and space to do that work before drawing conclusions. Do not interpret a short list as "not really into it" — often it's "hasn't yet had the reflection space to know."

Lots of nos, few yeses

Also usually a discovery-stage issue, but sometimes a signal that BDSM isn't the frame that fits this person. That's a real possibility that deserves respect. Not everyone is kinky, and finding out early is better than finding out late.

Six Mistakes That Ruin the Exercise

Mistake 1: Filling it out with your partner in the same room

You'll subtly answer for them. Even people who are trying to be honest do this. Solo pass first, always.

Mistake 2: Marking things "yes" because you're supposed to

Some newer kinksters mark yes on things they think they should be into or that their partner is clearly into. This is the fastest route to a bad scene. Mark maybe if you're uncertain. Mark no if you're not sure but leaning against. Don't perform enthusiasm.

Mistake 3: Marking things "no" out of shame

The opposite failure. Something is genuinely of interest but you feel bad about admitting it, so it goes on the no list where it can't cause any awkwardness. This robs both of you of the conversation. If shame is the reason, the item is worth exploring — probably with a therapist first. See our related post on the gap between fantasy and real desire.

Mistake 4: Never updating

You fill out a list at year one and never touch it again. Meanwhile, your interests have evolved considerably. The document is now a snapshot of a person who no longer exactly exists. Update at least annually, and after any significant kink experience that changed how you feel about a category.

Mistake 5: Treating the list as final rather than as a starting point

The list produces the conversation. The conversation is the actual work. Couples who compare lists and then never talk about them have missed the entire point.

Mistake 6: Trying to compromise on limits

"You said no, but what if we did it once, just to see?" This is not compromise. This is pressuring someone off a stated limit. Watch yourself for this instinct — it's easy to slip into. If you feel yourself starting to bargain with a partner's no, stop, apologize, and drop the item permanently.

Updating the List Over Time

Your list is a living document. Real kinksters update theirs periodically — I recommend at least once a year, and any time you have a significant experience that changed your view of a category.

What to track when you update:

• New yes — Things that used to be maybe or no and are now yes. Note what changed.
• New maybe — Things you're now curious about that weren't previously on your radar.
• New no — Things you used to say yes to but no longer want. This one is important and often under-explored — nos can develop, and honoring your evolving no is as important as honoring your original one.
• Language updates — Sometimes an item you thought was one thing turns out to be something more nuanced. Update your notes.

Some couples do an annual "state of the yes/no/maybe" conversation on their anniversary. It's a good ritual — it forces a real re-check rather than a drift where neither person realizes the other has changed.

What to Do This Week

1. Copy the 80-item starter list into a document. Add columns for Y/N/M, role (as Dom, as sub, either), and notes. Save it as YOUR name only, not shared.
2. Fill it out solo. One sitting if you can. First-instinct answers. Mark maybe for anything you're not sure of.
3. Ask your partner to do the same, independently. Don't compare until you both have finished lists in hand.
4. Schedule the comparison conversation. Not tonight. Not in the bedroom. Make it a real appointment and follow the 7-step protocol above.
5. Save the resulting shared menu. Green, yellow, and red lists in one document. Bring this into every future scene negotiation.

Two weeks from now you'll wonder how you were negotiating before this.

FAQ

How long should a yes/no/maybe list be?

Eighty items is a solid starting point. Some kinksters use 200-item versions. Longer isn't always better — a shorter list you actually filled out honestly beats a 300-item list where you got bored and started clicking the same answer.

Do I share my full list, or just the summary?

Full list, always, with a trusted partner. The value of comparing lists is in the details, not the summary. Some kinksters redact certain items when sharing with newer partners — that's a legitimate choice, but be aware that redaction is itself information.

What if my partner refuses to fill one out?

Ask why. Some people find them clinical, cold, or unromantic. Explain that the list is scaffolding, not the whole thing — the point is to make the actual conversation richer. If they still refuse, ask what alternative structure they'd propose. If the answer is "I don't want structure," you're looking at a partner who doesn't want to negotiate — see our post on why negotiation matters for the red flags around that.

Can I have separate lists for different partners?

Yes, and you probably should if you play with multiple people. What you'd do with a long-term partner is different from what you'd do with a play-partner-you-see-monthly. Different lists reflect different levels of trust and different negotiated contexts. There's nothing dishonest about it.

How do I mark items where I want to give but not receive, or vice versa?

Add a role column: "As Dom / As Sub / Either / N/A." A common pattern for switches is a strong yes to spanking as Dom, a maybe as sub. Both are real, both belong on the list.

What if I don't recognize half the items on the list?

Look them up. This is one of the ways the list teaches you what exists. Our kink wheel of 40+ fetishes in plain English covers most of the vocabulary at a starter level. For items you don't recognize, mark "unknown" rather than guessing.

The yes/no/maybe list is not the whole answer to kink compatibility. But it is the piece of scaffolding under everything else. Fill one out. Update it. Bring it into every conversation. It will do more work for your kink life than almost any other single tool.